Chapter one

Nicole leaned back against the building. One leg planted on the pavement with the other foot bent under her. She smoothed out the small, crumpled piece of paper in her clammy hands and glanced at her watch.

Five more minutes.

She gave a silent plea to whoever was listening, whilst the nervous butterflies in her stomach strained for release as her emotions battled within.

She could do this.

The potential for the happiness she yearned for, lay in the next thirty minutes.

And so she fought against the overwhelming emotions of fear, sadness, and self-loathing that threatened to disrupt her peace.

Her soul asked for redemption, but deep down, she was neither worthy nor deserving.

Nicole looked towards the coffeehouse and contemplated her recent life choices. She was fifty-one, for goodness’ sake, and all her worldly goods were now packed in the back of her small van, parked around the corner.

A van, where she laid her head at night, that was only just large enough for a single blow-up mattress lodged between a couple of black bin bags containing her clothes. And each night she secured her battered guitar behind the driver’s seat.

The dark circles under her eyes, testament to sleepless nights. The slamming of car doors and the loud conversations of passing strangers invaded her dreams, and she perceived every noise as magnified out of context. The tight confines exacerbated her sore joints and muscles.

But last night she slept through.

The strength of friendship faced the ultimate test as an old school friend opened her house, allowing Nicole to shower and stay the night on the settee. Safe in the cocoon of her sleeping bag, in a house with locked doors.

The weight of the tabby cat woke her by lying on her chest, whiskers tickling her chin and the contented deep rumble of a purr. She smiled at the recollection of the cat patting her face, demanding attention. She couldn’t remember her cheek being touched with so much love and affection.

Despite legal advice, she sold her house across the city to settle her debts. It was the correct decision. She couldn’t let her business partner, once best friend, take responsibility for her errors after turning into a foolish love-struck woman.

Even though it made her homeless, Nicole repaid her debts. And the legal costs also made her penniless. Her new nomadic life was a complete departure from her stable past on a post-war housing estate.

Nicole closed her eyes and shut herself away from the surrounding hustle and bustle of the street, allowing her mind to relax.

Van life was tough, especially for someone her age. She craved security, both emotional and physical. How she yearned for a place she could again call home.

Somewhere she could lay her head in comfort, where sleep would take her stress-free through the entire night. Where she could invite her few remaining friends. Or luxuriate in a shower or bath and get dressed in comfort.

To again feel human.

With her savings diminishing, she couldn’t afford a deposit for a cheap bedsit, a room in a shared house, or monthly rent.

So every night she parked her small van on different residential streets around the city and joined the expanding band of nomads with no fixed abode trying to survive the current economic climate.

She sighed and tried not to dwell on her decisions as she fell from respectable to a community blight. How did it happen?

Nicole shook her head.

Forever altered were her early morning rituals. Where her stroll to the bathroom, or frantic run when late, was a luxury. 

Where the jets of steaming water invigorated her body, releasing any residual tiredness and stress.

Then, even after getting dressed, she would smell the minty aroma of her body wash, and the coconut fragrance of her shampoo and conditioner. 

She inhaled deeply as she tried to imagine those long-forgotten smells. Instead, her nose picked up the hint of citrus from the borrowed toiletries that emanated from her body. The lingering aroma of shower gel and shampoo clung to her hair and skin, and after months, she felt clean.

The different smells brought renewed sadness mingled with a flash of hope, and this tiny sense of optimism produced a smile.

On a normal day, the unit that plugged into the cigarette lighter socket in her van gave her enough hot water to flannel wash her important places whilst lying down, still in her sleeping bag. Then, each day, she smoothed the creases and struggled to pull on her outdoor clothes as she tried to keep the early morning chill from her bones. 

Nicole centred her thoughts and rolled her neck and shoulders. She took a couple of deeper breaths and blew out the air in a slow, steady stream. 

After arriving in the Gloucester Road area, on her first walking exploration from where her van was now parked, Nicole noticed the sign in the coffeehouse window for a cleaner. She gave in her resume and was ecstatic when her phone pinged, inviting her for an interview today.

She needed this job, or any job, and if successful, she could re-join the world. The first step was to earn back her self-respect. She feared that some past friendships would forever stay lost.

Nicole was standing on a precipice and reminded herself that she needed to summon all her reserves of confidence to confront what could be one of the most important days of her life. She realised the next half hour would make or break her, seeing no way back if this failed.

Nicole looked down at her attire, pleased that after ironing both her black trousers and the thin V-neck sweater, they looked passable for an interview. Despite their worn appearance, her shoes were polished and most of the scuff marks removed.

She glanced at her watch, and pushing away from the wall, she crossed the road. Nicole stared at the door and, on hearing the happy murmurs from inside the bustling building, took a couple more steadying breaths.

The tinkling bell announced her arrival as she pushed open the door.